Sitting here at Bread Co. waiting to pick Hannah up from youth group and thinking. Really just me and my thoughts. It doesn't happen often, where there is no one else to talk to or even more so, no one else talking to me (ahem, Katie).

I thought "well, I ought to blog. This would be a good time to do that." and then as I was thinking about what to say I realized that I haven't been really honest on here for a long, long time. It's been more of a "here's what we've been doing" kind of place, and less of a heart-to-heart place. I know that there were times in the past that I let all out on here, but I've found myself more guarded. More careful with what I say and how I say it. And I think that because of that defensive feeling, I haven't wanted to post. I have various reasons for putting up that wall, none that need to be shared openly, but I do know why I've haven't been able to just open up like I once did.

I also realize that maybe I've become that way in my life, with my real life relationships, too. More guarded and careful. Not really letting people in, not reaching out. There are a few of you that nothing has changed with, so no freaking out... but in many places of my life I have pulled back.

And I don't like it. So, I'm starting here. Opening up again and just letting it out, my thoughts, my feelings, my opinions.

It may not be what everyone wants to hear, but that isn't going to matter to me (o.k. it will but I won't let it stop me)

I just feel this great need to be REAL and AUTHENTIC. I hate pretending -- and I hate fakeness. I hate walls and fear and loneliness. I want to live my life wide open. No fears, no regrets. No looking back and wishing. I want real relationships that mean something. I want true friendships, and true love to fill my life.

End of speech.

I think I feel better.

Now, maybe I can come here more often and just be me?

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Another completely different topic:

My mom has given me the genealogy bug. I am a super duper sentimental person and I love learning about my heritage and my children's heritage. She's delving in a lot deeper than me, but I'm enjoying learning along with her.

I took this picture of Kate and her Great-Grandma Ruth at Amy's shower a little while ago. I just love this moment between them. Grandma had given her a big hug and was asking her about 1st grade. Kate was telling her all about it. You can just see the connection there. It's precious to me.

My great-grandma lived with my Grandma and Grandpa for a while and I got to spend quite a bit of time with her. I have sweet memories of her, her smile and her laugh. She had never, ever had her hair cut and always wore her hair in a braid swirled around the top of her head.

Once I was old enough to know how, I got to braid her hair. Though it's a little thing, I hold that memory close.

I am so thankful for the deep roots of family that I and now my children,have been blessed with.